i heart '08

reasons why this year is gonna be a good one:
- 5 yrs anniversary with ATS
- no more school/tests/finals/etc.
- working my first real job...
- thus making real money
- buying a new car
- money to travel (DC with ATS, Ireland, New Mexico in the Fall, Alaska)
- ATS is gonna pop the question
- finally being financially independent from the folks
- new president

goals for 2008
- camping more often on the weekend
- being more creative, daily
- making handmade gifts
- learning to love yoga
- R.E.L.A.X.
- reconnecting with old friends (ACV)
- take a photography class
- do agility training with Blitz

Confused

22 is still so young. I'm beginning to wonder if being in a long-term relationship is holding me back. If the real reason I'm not doing all the things I've dream of is because I don't want to leave him behind...and not that I'm just too scared...like I keep telling myself. Maybe I'm scared of what it means to leave him behind.

Things I lack the motivation to do because I'm not single:
- School: I know I could do better if I didn't insist on keeping my weekends free for him
- L'Abri: I have wanted to go since my freshman year at UT. I had an opportunity to go with Audrey last December, but passed because I wanted to spend my holidays with him.
- El Camino de Santiago: I have wanted to do this since my sophomore year in highschool. When I mention it to him he expresses little interest.
- Spend a summer, a semester or an entire year in another place. I would prefer to be in an English speaking country in Europe, but I would be happy living anywhere but here...just for a while. I don't now because it would just be too hard and too much of a hassle to figure out how to see other while I was gone. Also, he has discouraged me looking into study abroad programs so I'm pretty certain that he's not in favor of anything like this.
- Get in shape: I used to be motivated to stay in shape so the opposite sex would find me attractive. Now I have a long-term boyfriend who seems to care little either way. Also, our choice to not have sex limits how much I care what I look like with no clothes. With no wedding or wedding night in the near future I simply don't care.

i have found my calling

I love my major and my future profession. Speech-Language Pathology is a lot of work but I really think it is a perfect fit for me. I love interacting with people, I love language (written and spoken), I love the fact that I will be an expert in something...because lets face it...i am a little bit bossy...this profession will give me a good excuse to be bossy all the time. However, at times I have wondered if I was missing another, more rewarding calling.

At 4 I got my first dog, Barkley, a beautiful golden retriever and began dreaming of someday being a vet. We were inseparable until he passed away in a house fire when I was 10. 6 mths later, I got my second dog Banjo, another golden. At the same time I was working for various animal shelters around town as well as volunteering at a local horse barn, in exchange they would allow me to ride the horses every so often. At 12 my mom finally began paying for riding lessons...but my passion wasn't rodeos or barrel racing...I just loved being around the animals.

At 13 I started highschool and joined my local FFA chapter. Mostly because it just gave me another opportunity to be closer to animals. I raised rabbits all 4 years I was in highschool and made sure that after the stock show and auction my animals were bought as pets...and not slaughtered (as most were). My senior year in highschool, I was part of an independent study mentorship program in which I studied animal behavior by working and studying horses and their social interactions, 10 hrs a week for 6 months. It was one of the most rewarding educational experiences I have ever been a part of.

As I applied for colleges my senior year in highschool I tried to decide, at 18, what I wanted to do with my life. I choose the University of Texas only because I couldn't decide, and they offered me a sizeable journalism scholarship. My dream of being a vet was trumped by the need for money for college. I had only been in Austin for 2 months when my family called to tell me my Banjo had passed away. I was devastated and no one seemed to understand. I began volunteering at the Austin-SPCA and as things in my personal life seemed to be falling all around me it was one of the few things that brought me any joy while I lived in Austin.

I left Austin 2 yrs later, moved to San Marcos and finally got another dog. The love of my life, Blitz. A spunky little dachshund that I take with me just about everywhere (except school). Well, tying this all in, clearly animals have always been a deep love of mine. Being around them in therapeutic for me. And for other people as well.

I read this article and decided, this is most definitely what I need to be doing for the rest of my life.

What Will Happen May 5th?

inspired by the brilliant bridget mac I have decided to predict my future:

My prediction for tomorrow:

I wake up to a full day of nothing but studying. With my Articulation & Phonological Processing Disorders finals on Monday and my Speech Science final on Tuesday I've got a lot of studying to do this weekend.

I get into the shower around 10am, and drag myself to the library. When I walk in I realize that no one else at Texas State goes to the library on a Friday. In fact, not a single soul is inside the 8 story building. For Texas State Univeristy (the drinking town with a college problem) Friday is the unofficial "recover from your Thursday night hangover by tubing the river" day. It's rather creepy. The silence eventually gets to me so I leave and go get some lunch. I head to Subway where none other than my ex is working behind the counter.

He doesn't recognize me until he asks me "toasted or untoasted"
I reply "untoasted...Nick"
He looks up and his entire face turns red with rage. He leaps over the 4 ft counter (mind you he was in the military, so hes got a spring in his step!) and grabs me by the shoulders and starts to yell at me. One of his co-workers pulls him off me but he continues to yell...in Korean (he spent too much time stationed in Seoul I suppose)

I was shaken but unphased. With no idea what he was yelling or why he was so upset, I walked out the door with my Turkey on wheat.

...check back tomorrow to see if my prediction comes true...

its hard to explain

last week, after watching the movie Melinda & Melinda and consuming quite a few drinks i got into a discussion with arthur. i love deep, soul-bearing discussions, its like cuddling for the mind. however, on this particular night the alcohol seemed to bring out the little insecurities i have in our relationship and the discussion took a turn into awkward territory. i don't remember anything that i said specifically but i know it was something along the lines of "maybe we're not meant to be together, and thats ok. i'll always love you". why on earth i would say something like that i don't really know. but something that he said to me really stood out. he said "what worries me about our relationship is when things are good you are sure of everything. sure that you want to be with me and that everything will work out. when things are hard and we argue and struggle with each other's differences you say you're not so sure anymore. you can't stay consistent"

what bothers me about that statement is that he is SO right. when everything is good between us I AM sure, of everything. But when things are hard I question if it is meant to be. I don't know why I am so opposite sometimes. Then, talking to him yesterday I realized something else. I talk... a lot. I am very VERY open with him when I am talking to him, and very honest. So I tend to express my doubts more to him than the other way around. And of course...when things are difficult I tend to have more doubts...

Jolt from Normality

The healthy being craves an occasional wildness, a jolt from normality, a sharpening of the edge of appetite, his own little festival of Saturnalia, a brief excursion from his way of life.
~Robert Maclver

Arthur and I have decided to live and work in Europe for a year after I graduate. We are applying for visas and work permits this month. More details to come.