why i can't study at home

my ex lives in korea

in the past week i have talked to my ex (NP) three times on IM. he has IMed me twice and i've IMed him once, this morning. the first two conversations were relatively safe...talked about family, time zones (he is in Korea), football etc. i thought this morning would be the same and that we would never get around to addressing the past (dated 6mths, "whirl-wind/crazy in-love relationship", he enlisted, we broke up with a "maybe" to get back together when he returned, i met arthur while he was in bootcamp...the rest is history). but after an hour and a half of beating around the bush he finally did;

EX: lol... I'm not sure if I even went to class in college [we met at UT]
ME: ahhh....maybe one of two. i guess i was too much of a distraction for ya [i say this jokingly]
EX: lol... you and Mary too tough for my country ways [mary=marijuana...FYI]
ME: "mary"....lol...the two women that drove you to enlist- to get away from us both lol
[his tone changes]
EX: well I think I left with intentions of saying good bye to Mary and think that the other went along for the ride... perhaps?
ME: well it seems to me that the loss of both was triggered by the enlist
ME: awkward silence...................

things got really intense after this point...

EX: no awkwardness now... just trying to understand...
EX: what happened?... I mean I know the ultimate answer and I know I had a lot to do with it and that our live/paths were headed in much different directions but I just can't remember when the letters from you stopped or why they stopped... I don't know, I'm one of those weirdo types that like to know a defining point when things changed and I can't put my finger on one here

...let me just say he dove so deep and quickly into the past that i didn't even know what to say. after a long pause i recovered and said;

ME: i'm not sure where to start
ME: here's the thing...i've wanted to talk about this too...but i can't right now [i had to go to class]...but i don't want it to take an hour of bullshitting for us to get to the point where we can talk about the past
ME:i just want time to explain myself...and tell you how i'll remember you...and get some questions answered...and hopefully hear that you don't hate me for how things turned out
EX: Hilary I don't hate you for anything... and I don't have any reason to... I just don't want to hate myself for the way things turned out
ME: well....we clearly have much more to talk about
EX: i'm at your disposal [a small jab in reference to the breakup?]

Anyhow...
He is now married (since last November) and ok with that. Except for the fact that I'm not sure if it was for the right reasons since it was a short time since our break-up and they hadn't even known each other that long. He had asked me to marry him (jokingly) a few times back then and cited free college and traveling as a perk of being a military wife. I told him I wanted stability and a ranch in the Hill Country. I don't think he could ever offer me either of those.

So...there is "The Conversation" in my future. I don't know if it will be bad or good. If it will give me closure or just open up more wounds and questions that have been dormant for the past 2 1/2yrs. I just have to give this a chance and see if I can get what I really want...which is an explanation and an apology. And I think I owe him the same.





more to come i am sure...

i love my camera

new stuff rocks

I got a new computer this weekend. I am a very happy person. Especially since, after immediatly installing McAfee, I downloaded limewire and then proceeded to download the entire new Deathcab CD, Plans. I must say that it is amazing, but I do agree with the reviews that say it is a bit too "studio". It lacks their intense, live edge which is one of the things that I love so much about them.

Also, I am finally getting hip to the trend and getting an ipod. I would never buy a brandnew ipod because I think they are overpriced simply because they're a fad and at this point in my life I cannot afford expensive fads. However, my roommate has a 20G that she bought a while ago but she wants to buy the 60G, I think. So, shes selling me her old one along with all the accessories, itunes, etc. for $100. Thats cheaper than I could find it on ebay. So...good stuff.


PS- I took Blitz to school today.

what happens at officer retreat...

...stays at officer retreat!

To My Bossom-Buddy

My BestGood Friend is getting married. I'm not jealous either. Just pissed that all my closest friends have a million sisters and I'll never get to be a bridesmaid.

x

is that post about running in the rain about me? because i think it is...

kill computer

OMG...that is freaking Post #2 that has disappeared into the cyber blackhole. Please excuse me while I freak out!

RIP Hilary's Computer

Bad News: My old computer has died. Lets have a moment of silence for this hardworking machine........ok....now
Good News: My mother, in a bout of unexpected and uncharacteristic generosity, has decided to buy me a new one! It was gonna be a Dell but I'm getting a "more-for-the-money" Compaq instead. ETA is Wednesday or Thursday.

Katrina

All of my mother's family lives in Metarie, Louisiana. That is until this past Monday morning when hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and the rest of the US Gulf Coast. (If this information is new to you this is a very bad thing!)
Pray for New Orleans.