interesting

[handsome heart]

[a place in the sun]

Just Do It!

Do this...
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. (This possibly will not apply to all).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal .

Molly said about me:
1. I don't know if you like Desperate Housewives (i don't)
2. Anything Racall Flatts
3. Strawberry
4. BOSOM BUDDIES (inside joke)
5. Sunday School, you told us that you were going to have a good day because you were picking your boyfriend up from the airport
6. a longhorn
7. what is your ATM pin #? (HA!)

smile lori!

ME: are you ok?
LORI: i don't know for sure...i'm not in the mood to talk about it right now because i just stopped crying
LORI:in short...my boyfriend of 5 yrs doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore

that statement made my heart stop. lori is one of the few girls in this world that i love and trust compleatly. her and her boyfriend are the most amazing couple i have ever met and i look up to them and hope that my relationship with arthur is half as strong as theirs is...or was. i am almost crying right now too because it kills me for someone i care about to hurt so much.

girls suck...but i already knew this

i don't know why i am being so stupid about this. a wedding is all about the love between two people and the role of their friends is to support and celebrate their union and nothing else! so why do i take it so personal when a certain close friend chooses not to include me in her wedding party? i think its less about being in the wedding and more about seeing where i rank in her life. especially since her "best friend", who has been horrible to her in the last few years as she often vents to me, has been chosen as a bridesmaid. i know it is so petty to feel this way but i can't help but feel like i have been deceived about the importance of our friendship.

part of why i think this hurts is because i had another friend who got married just last weekend. she had previously asked me to be one of her attendants. we were supposed to live together this year (while her husband returned to Iraq) but at the last moment she decided she wanted to live alone and pretty much dropped me with no notice or any other available options for my living situation. I did not receive a wedding invitation this summer and i didn't even know when the ceremony was until 3 days before it took place. and even then i heard it from other people. i see her at least once a week and she has yet to talk to me. i don't even know what shes upset about but obviuosly its enough to cut me out of her life. i hate girls! i don't know why i try so fucking hard.

seriously.

Ben Folds

ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Ben Folds is coming to Austin Nov. 20th!!! Be still my beating heart!!!

why i can't study at home

my ex lives in korea

in the past week i have talked to my ex (NP) three times on IM. he has IMed me twice and i've IMed him once, this morning. the first two conversations were relatively safe...talked about family, time zones (he is in Korea), football etc. i thought this morning would be the same and that we would never get around to addressing the past (dated 6mths, "whirl-wind/crazy in-love relationship", he enlisted, we broke up with a "maybe" to get back together when he returned, i met arthur while he was in bootcamp...the rest is history). but after an hour and a half of beating around the bush he finally did;

EX: lol... I'm not sure if I even went to class in college [we met at UT]
ME: ahhh....maybe one of two. i guess i was too much of a distraction for ya [i say this jokingly]
EX: lol... you and Mary too tough for my country ways [mary=marijuana...FYI]
ME: "mary"....lol...the two women that drove you to enlist- to get away from us both lol
[his tone changes]
EX: well I think I left with intentions of saying good bye to Mary and think that the other went along for the ride... perhaps?
ME: well it seems to me that the loss of both was triggered by the enlist
ME: awkward silence...................

things got really intense after this point...

EX: no awkwardness now... just trying to understand...
EX: what happened?... I mean I know the ultimate answer and I know I had a lot to do with it and that our live/paths were headed in much different directions but I just can't remember when the letters from you stopped or why they stopped... I don't know, I'm one of those weirdo types that like to know a defining point when things changed and I can't put my finger on one here

...let me just say he dove so deep and quickly into the past that i didn't even know what to say. after a long pause i recovered and said;

ME: i'm not sure where to start
ME: here's the thing...i've wanted to talk about this too...but i can't right now [i had to go to class]...but i don't want it to take an hour of bullshitting for us to get to the point where we can talk about the past
ME:i just want time to explain myself...and tell you how i'll remember you...and get some questions answered...and hopefully hear that you don't hate me for how things turned out
EX: Hilary I don't hate you for anything... and I don't have any reason to... I just don't want to hate myself for the way things turned out
ME: well....we clearly have much more to talk about
EX: i'm at your disposal [a small jab in reference to the breakup?]

Anyhow...
He is now married (since last November) and ok with that. Except for the fact that I'm not sure if it was for the right reasons since it was a short time since our break-up and they hadn't even known each other that long. He had asked me to marry him (jokingly) a few times back then and cited free college and traveling as a perk of being a military wife. I told him I wanted stability and a ranch in the Hill Country. I don't think he could ever offer me either of those.

So...there is "The Conversation" in my future. I don't know if it will be bad or good. If it will give me closure or just open up more wounds and questions that have been dormant for the past 2 1/2yrs. I just have to give this a chance and see if I can get what I really want...which is an explanation and an apology. And I think I owe him the same.





more to come i am sure...

i love my camera

new stuff rocks

I got a new computer this weekend. I am a very happy person. Especially since, after immediatly installing McAfee, I downloaded limewire and then proceeded to download the entire new Deathcab CD, Plans. I must say that it is amazing, but I do agree with the reviews that say it is a bit too "studio". It lacks their intense, live edge which is one of the things that I love so much about them.

Also, I am finally getting hip to the trend and getting an ipod. I would never buy a brandnew ipod because I think they are overpriced simply because they're a fad and at this point in my life I cannot afford expensive fads. However, my roommate has a 20G that she bought a while ago but she wants to buy the 60G, I think. So, shes selling me her old one along with all the accessories, itunes, etc. for $100. Thats cheaper than I could find it on ebay. So...good stuff.


PS- I took Blitz to school today.

what happens at officer retreat...

...stays at officer retreat!

To My Bossom-Buddy

My BestGood Friend is getting married. I'm not jealous either. Just pissed that all my closest friends have a million sisters and I'll never get to be a bridesmaid.

x

is that post about running in the rain about me? because i think it is...

kill computer

OMG...that is freaking Post #2 that has disappeared into the cyber blackhole. Please excuse me while I freak out!

RIP Hilary's Computer

Bad News: My old computer has died. Lets have a moment of silence for this hardworking machine........ok....now
Good News: My mother, in a bout of unexpected and uncharacteristic generosity, has decided to buy me a new one! It was gonna be a Dell but I'm getting a "more-for-the-money" Compaq instead. ETA is Wednesday or Thursday.

Katrina

All of my mother's family lives in Metarie, Louisiana. That is until this past Monday morning when hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and the rest of the US Gulf Coast. (If this information is new to you this is a very bad thing!)
Pray for New Orleans.