its hard to explain

last week, after watching the movie Melinda & Melinda and consuming quite a few drinks i got into a discussion with arthur. i love deep, soul-bearing discussions, its like cuddling for the mind. however, on this particular night the alcohol seemed to bring out the little insecurities i have in our relationship and the discussion took a turn into awkward territory. i don't remember anything that i said specifically but i know it was something along the lines of "maybe we're not meant to be together, and thats ok. i'll always love you". why on earth i would say something like that i don't really know. but something that he said to me really stood out. he said "what worries me about our relationship is when things are good you are sure of everything. sure that you want to be with me and that everything will work out. when things are hard and we argue and struggle with each other's differences you say you're not so sure anymore. you can't stay consistent"

what bothers me about that statement is that he is SO right. when everything is good between us I AM sure, of everything. But when things are hard I question if it is meant to be. I don't know why I am so opposite sometimes. Then, talking to him yesterday I realized something else. I talk... a lot. I am very VERY open with him when I am talking to him, and very honest. So I tend to express my doubts more to him than the other way around. And of course...when things are difficult I tend to have more doubts...

ha!

this is my enagement gift to a friend of mine from church. she is getting married in july and she has managed to stay a virgin. thus, i have decided on this rather ireverent gift set featuring the presbyterian cross of the church we both grew up in. this could make for a rather drab honeymoon...

christmas with arthur

blitz...doing what he does best

our little "Charlie Brown" tree

can you find blitz in this picture?

yummy

i want a new one

buy my digital camera here or here

they lasted 4 months

my first friend to get married is now my first friend to get divorced.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NLV)

Love does not give up. Love is kind. Love is not jealous. Love does not put itself up as being important. Love has no pride. Love does not do the wrong thing. Love never thinks of itself. Love does not get angry. Love does not remember the suffering that comes from being hurt by someone. Love is not happy with sin. Love is happy with the truth. Love takes everything that comes without giving up. Love believes all things. Love hopes for all things. Love keeps on in all things. Love never comes to an end.

I don't know if I really believe that a love like the one described in this verse is a worthwhile love. I believe that love is conditional and that love has boundaries. A love that is unconditional, never gives up, and blind to failure and pain is a blind, foolish love.

only he knows the real story

addicted

the best is yet to come undone

well...to my credit, i expected the best but prepared for the worst...and i did my best...and all those other stupid cliches. Unfortunately my best wasn't good enough and i am having to deal with what quite possibly might be one of the biggest setbacks of my entire academic career. its been a tough day. my eyes burn from all the hot frustrated tears i couldn't hold back. the first of which made their debut in my professor's office...man...what a shitty day...

this one is a jem!

Indecent Proposal

doggie sized beer bong

tonight i...

• Watched Texas State, the only football team that I've ever been a true fan of, lose a disappointing semi-finals game in over time
• Drank 4 strawberry daiquiris
• Tryed to hook my roommate up with a guy that was more my type than her's
• Invented a new game...
• Shared a delish chocolate chip paradise pie with Lori at Chili's
• Laughed "on the inside"
• Was hit on by some guys as I walked Blitz outside. They yelled "you're hot. call me" and then proceeded to yell their phone number at me. Nice try.
• Remebered the golden rule of seatbelts- treat them as you would want to be treated
• Was mooned by my friend's boyfriend at a long stoplight...then I got to see him wipe his butt-print off the car window
• Wasn't sure if Arthur was telling me the truth

And all at once the crowd begins to sing...

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
He is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to him, now he's in question

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But he won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want him maybe you need him
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want him maybe you need him
Maybe you had him maybe you lost him to another
To another

-The Fray

why ben? why?

i heart musicians

my boyfriend has the coolest roommates. they are both founding members of this band. they're identical twin brothers, one is a classical guitar major and the other is electrical engineering, but they're both incredibly creative and talented. arthur's cool-factor went up when he moved in with them. listen to their music here.

top secret

any word between us is a monster

forgive me my viciousness
my name-calling, my absent-minded
mishaps, my cruelties and calamities,
and all the ways we fumbled while i fled.

forgive me my anger, my flight,
my bad timing, my ill-conceived attempts
at disappearing, my slipping into any available
porthole to get a little bit of air.

forgive me my haste, my impatience,
my mess, my chaotic heart.
forgive me my clumsiness while
you fell, unattended,
into the busy, dirty street.

i didn't know how to say it
at the time, and even now
any word between us is a monster
it's just that our hands
couldn't fit together.
that's all.

from athena

why i got up at 4:30AM this morning

i couldn't breathe

i felt like i was having a heart attack

although in my extensive 21 years i've clearly never had a heart-attack. but i imagine that this is something like what one would feel like. i am terrified of my upcoming (8AM) test. although, this particular test defies all previous definitions of the word and should, instead have its very own that would fully and adequately expresses it's momentousness and potentially catastrophic effects. something like examalypse.