missing you

So I'm on a calling strike. I told him last night that I don't want to talk to him until he what he says (he loves me) and what he does (not make time for me) are less conflicting. I am not willing to be his "weekend girlfriend". I do not want to be taken for granted during the week, and then sucked up to all weekend. I feel like my qualities of understanding and loyalty are being wasted on someone who is too exausted all the time to utilize them. I feel like I am in a relationship with an empty shell. He works so hard all week and I get the leftovers. Lately, there hasn't been anything left...so I get nothing. No conversation. No confiding. No attention to my needs. Just an Arthur-shell. Where is this amazing man, and the beautiful soul that I feel in love with two and a half years ago?

So every second that passes is more difficult. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice. But I know that I have to stand my ground. I believe in this. I have to stand up for it. I just wonder how far I will have to take it? How long with I have to go until I break?

Just Google It...

According to Google...

• Hilary is the creator of the live polio vaccine and the developer of the rabies vaccine
• Hilary paces the creaking oak floor of the Oxford Union debate hall, eyeing the empty pews the way a Roman gladiator might have surveyed the Colosseum.
• Hilary is a professional Egyptian style belly dancer
• Hilary was a hurricane in August 2005
• Hilary is a professor of Renaissance and Baroque art and architecture, American architecture and urbanism at Colombia University

Self-Portrait Tuesday

"exploration of identity"
...things are not always as they seem...

Gangsta/80's

i have a little sis!!!

Black & White Party

i actually liked this one

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?: my hair
2. How much cash do you have on you?: $5
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?: breast...
4. Favorite plant?: honeysuckle
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?: Paul Pan
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: Chopin's Minute Waltz
7. What shirt are you wearing?: "I Got Lucky at Pair-a-Dice Casino" from Hula Hut in Austin
8. Do you "label" yourself?: not anymore...i don't know what it would be anyway
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?: i'm currently barefoot
10. Light or dark room? dark i guess...my window is open but the sun is going down
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: Molly is cool
12. Do you know what an 8-track is?: yep
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?: drinking wine in front of the fireplace and watching The Longest Yard with Arthur
14.What does text message you received on your cell phone say?: "I got them. Lower level" from Arthur on Friday afternoon. He was talking about Ben Folds tickets.
15. Do you ever click on Pop-ups or banners?: no
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: "Are you freaking kidding me"
17. Who told you they loved you last? Mom
18. Last furry thing you touched?: Blitz
19. How many hours a week do you work?: i don't work
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? 0...i heart my digital camera
21. Favorite age you have been so far?: probably 21...
22. Your worst enemy?: The Ex from hell...
23. What is your current desktop picture?: the picture of Blitz below...in the truck with his head out the window
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I asked Arthur "What's a saying I say a lot"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose?: erase regrets
26. Who are you thinking about right now? my shoulder hurts...thank goodness this survey is over

Pet Fest 2005

[my first kettlecorn...amazing stuff!]

[objects in mirror are closer than they appear]
[star]
[lizard man...note lizard #2 on his shoulder]
[this lady likes big snakes]
[blitz...speed demon]

looking back...

austin holds a weird place in my heart. it can best be described as a love/hate relationship. for the two-and-a-half years i lived there i was always wishing i were someplace else, san antonio, ingram or sequin. anywhere but my wretched dormroom in jester. i associate that city with so many horrible memories and through no fault of its own, i hated it with a red-hot passion. i remember the feeling of dread that would come over me the closer i got to the austin city limits sign and by the time i got to the william cannon exit i would be almost in tears. when i thought of austin i thought of my failures, my broken heart and my bitter loneliness.

but, i can't forget all the amazing things that happened to me while i lived in that fair city. i really stepped out of my box (for lack of a better term) and experienced things that, for the most part, i don't regret. i met some crazy people along the way, most of which i will never see or talk to again, but the impression they've left on my life is impossible to ignore. i really found my true self while living in austin.

the reason for this rant? as i was searching for drink specials in austin for tonight i ran across this picture. it reminded me why i will always, ultimately, be drawn back to austin:

its the polka-dot lawn at west 29th & glenview. i ran across it one afternoon in a rush to get from toy joy to a friend's birthday dinner off mopac. just a good reminder of what i really loved about austin. there is just something about the spirit of a town that celebrates multi-colored polka-dots on a lawn of dead grass that is immensely lovable!

so anyway...its back to my old stomping grounds tonight. $1 margaritas rock my face off, especially after a week like this!!!

thoughts...

- dilemma: i liked posting on xanga because i got comments. i disliked posting on xanga because i felt like i had to sensor my journal. on blogger i don't have to sensor, but don't get any comments. i want my cake and i wanna friggin' eat it too dammit!

- i don't know how to feel about my friends making official the termination of our friendship by eliminating me from their profile and deleting me as one of their facebook-friends. why does this shit continue to happen to me with girls? if you know please let me know. even if you have to make the comment anonymous. tell me what is so unloveable about me.

we care about your aspirations...

TOP 10 REASONS TO DATE A SPEECH-LANGUAGE PATHOLOGIST:
10. We’ll prove that doing it slow makes it smoother.
9. We can make you scream in all the right ways
8. One hour sessions are our specialty
7. We’ll teach you how to make the “OH” face
6. We know how to get your strongest muscle up
5. We know the value of frequency
4. We love intensity
3. We know how to swallow
2. It’s all about the tongue placement
1. We do it orally!

YOU MIGHT BE A SPEECH-LANGUAGE PATHOLOGIST IF:
10. To impress your friends, you casually drop the words “diadochokinetic rates” at parties.
9. You are the only adult you know who still plays with bubbles on a daily basis and enjoys it.
8. You write your child’s first words phonetically.
7. You get excited about flavored tongue depressors.
6. During informal conversations with friends, you often interject “Good Speech!” or “Nice Talking!”.
5. You take disfluency data during speeches and sermons.
4. Children seem to gravitate to you during social events.
3. Instead of saying to your friends “What a cute baby!”, you say “Does he vocalize in two or three syllables?”.
2. You can recite the Ling 6 sound test backwards.
1. You make casual eye contact with people’s mouths during casual conversations.

TOP TEN REASONS TO BE SPEECH-LANGUAGE PATHOLOGIST:
10. We have ways of making you talk
9. We know what the name of the little thing that hangs in the back of your throat is called
8. SLP is more than just lip service
7. [wilaevtutraenskraib]
6. You’re always analyzing your friend’s speech
5. You think its cool to hear someone swallow
4. Somebody has to help Cindy Brady
3. We like to hear ourselves talk
2. You know how to say “larynx” correctly
1. We can legally brainwash people by making them repeat the same phrase over and over again.

Jolt from Normality

The healthy being craves an occasional wildness, a jolt from normality, a sharpening of the edge of appetite, his own little festival of Saturnalia, a brief excursion from his way of life.
~Robert Maclver

Arthur and I have decided to live and work in Europe for a year after I graduate. We are applying for visas and work permits this month. More details to come.